Non-equilibrium and open system???

0046 – 25 November 2006
Non-equilibrium and open system???

Prolog

Sometimes when we are in equilibrium state, somehow like closed system, we forgot that there always something that can be vulnerable and will disrupt the condition. When we are in happy mood, we forgot that we also can be sad too.

Firstly, before I go on with this entry, sorry again for the readers who find this place is not amusing as any other blog site. I cant help it guys. I only have force to write and tell you stories about e when I am in this state of mood – depression mood. So I think I will just go on with this. Maybe after this, I will write when I am in good mood ok…

Ok, back to the story.

(duh letih speaking ni, tak terluah rasanya, aku campur-campur la ek)

Konflik lagi…

Camni, actually apa yang aku perasan tentang diri aku ni, aku benci konflik atau pergaduhan. Aku benci orang benci aku. Perasaan bila kita dibenci, rasa macam tak selamat dan menyakitkan. Tu yang buat aku benci tu.

Tapi life is life. Kita tak mampu nak puaskan hati semua orang, dan orang pun susah nak puaskan hati kita.

Banyak kali aku mengalami pengalaman dibenci dan membenci.

Apa yang aku buat bila aku rasa ada orang tak suka dengan tindakanku?

Firstly, aku memang tak kisah untuk mintak maaf. Ya, aku akan mintak maaf dan berharap untuk dimaafkan. Dan berharap dia dapat terima aku balik seperti sedia kala. Aku tak kisah untuk mengakui kesalahanku, dan kadangkala untuk membuat keadaan normal seperti sedia kala, aku tak kisah untuk mengakui kesalahan yang bukan aku lakukan. Semuanya sebab aku tak nak konflik tu berlarutan.

Tapi, when it times when my apologizes are not accepted, and they make me feel like i have nothing in this life except my error, I somehow get mad. Penat je kita merayu untuk dimaafi, tapi tak diendahkan. Rasa macam takde harga diri, n rasa macam dipermainkan.

Yela, kita dah buang segala ego, buang segala rasa, tak kisah pasal pendirian, untuk mintak maaf, tapi bila kita diperbuta begitu, siapa yang tak sakit hati. N later on, aku pulak yang rasa sakit hati.

Sampailah bila keadaan dia maafkan kita, aku pulak yang tak boleh memaafkan. Pelik bukan.

But that’s me. Itu adalah aku dan bagaimana aku menghadapi situasi tersebut.

Some people may look errors as something from the past, and can forget it entirely. But for me, I can forgive but I can never forget.

Don’t know why bila aku fikir balik keadaan-keadaan tersebut, walaupun selepas ianya kembali normal, aku tertekan. And that’s lead me to write this entry yang penuh dengan depression tone.

Kisahnya

Kisahnya, biarlah aku rahsiakan. Aku tak suka buka pekung di dada sendiri dan cerita pasal orang lain.

Just a brief, knowing someone through sms and we get along really nice. It makes me feels good when I think that there is someone who can get along with us walaupun dia hanya mengenali kita sedikit cuma.

Until some point, I admit, I made a mistake. And this person cannot accept it. And I apologized and now this person makes me in blue. Because this person does not reply to any sms, or ym or anything.

Maybe the friendship is too shallow and there is nothing strong that bind us together. Maybe it was me who wrong entirely. Yes, I was wrong I admit!

Tulah, bila keadaan macam ni aku mula rasa tak selamat. It’s bad to think that there is someone in this world who hates us on our behavior. It makes me feel sick!

The same situation has happened to me over and over again. And I am sick of it!

But at the bright side, it adds up my experience to deal with life. I guess this is life – it’s not equilibrium and it is an open system!

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:::YTBACK!!!:::

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